The Day Before Tomorrow


I woke up in a sweat. I was hot and uncomfortable, unable to find the right position. I never know how to find the position, instead it finds me. The dreams returned, raced across my mind, and drained my body. The rest I so desperately needed, and the recharge I’ve been waiting for, continued to allude me in and out of my consciousness. I saw a familiar looking woman pointing at me, asking question after question. But I could not understand her. No matter how hard I tried, I could not concentrate hard enough to decipher her words. Was it a different language? And who was this person? I could see her, but her appearance was in a continual state of flux.
            And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow...I turned off the radio as I recognized the song. I felt as though my night’s sleep had passed me by. My memory returned to the fore of mind and then it hit me.
            I called up Den. Whenever I feel unsure of myself, or need advice, I turn to Denise. We agreed to meet at our favorite coffee shop in 15 minutes.

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Sitting in the parking lot, I couldn’t get myself to get out of the car. If I can’t get out to talk with Den, how am I ever going to get confidence to do it? But then I found myself. These are the moments and decisions that can change a life. Instead of being frightened, I began to get excited. I don’t need to be afraid of change or new beginnings. We all want to grow and find out new intricacies about the world and ourselves. It doesn’t happen without times of change and discovery; or a good cup of coffee.
            After a big hug, Den and I sat down at the table next to the window. I always prefer sitting here because it gives me the chance to people watch and observe outside. Den and I have had such a great friendship from the very beginning, 15 years strong.
            “Coffee at noon on a Sunday? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the football game?” She questioned.
            “Not today.”
            “Oh, no?”
The waitress came by and left us both with a cup of coffee to start. Den took a sip, and I followed suit. After a few moments of silence went by, I finally began to share what was on my mind.
            “What makes a good decision?”
Denise looked surprised.
            “Hmm, starting off with the tough questions today?”
I ignored the quip and continued on.
            “No matter how long we deliberate on something, there is no way to know if it’s definitely right or wrong. One decision can affect another, and another…”
            “Well yeah, but you can’t be afraid to make a choice.” She countered.
I smiled. That’s exactly how I felt, but I needed to hear someone else say it.
            “I mean, sure we make bad decision at times. It’s all part of being human, nobody’s perfect.” She continued.
            “Well, what was one choice you made that you wish you could take back? Or something you regret?
“Besides getting coffee with you today?”
I gave out a little chuckle. Denise’s smile faded as she began to think.
            “You mean recently? Because sometimes they add up to quite a few in a week.”
I smiled.
            “One that really affected you. One that you can’t forget.” I requested.
After a few moments she took a deep breath and was ready to divulge.
            “I have always regretted my decision to stay close to home, and never really venture out when given the chance. You know…I went to State for college, and I didn’t go abroad. Sure, I’ve gone on a couple of cruises to the Caribbean, and Hawaii, but….
            “I hear you Den, but it’s not like that has really affected your life to a major degree.”
            “I completely disagree.” She said enthusiastically.
            “I hear people say all the time trips to Europe or Asia, or anywhere out there changed has their lives in deep ways. When we’re young and trying to find out your place in the world, leaving home and traveling can hold the potential for a giant leap in maturity.” She argued.
            “Well, why didn’t you ever go away? What made you stay here, even for a short vacation?”
            “Ex-boyfriends have always asked me to go away with them, but I just never wanted to. I don’t know, I just felt more comfortable here, I guess.”
            “So is that a decision you would want to take back?” I proposed.
The waitress came by and asked for our order. I could tell Denise didn’t mind, since it gave her a little extra time to think about her answer. I ordered a swiss omelet with deep fried potatoes and she got a greek salad.
            “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to argue with you.” I said after the waitress left to put in our order.
            “Oh, I know. I think it’s great that you bring up these types of questions. I’ve always felt it’s important to talk about these things. It is interesting because I’ve thought about this before, but it’s different thinking about it in my head than sharing it with someone.” She so wisely stated.
            “I couldn’t agree more. It’s interesting though, how you said you felt more comfortable staying at home when given the opportunity to go away. So then, is it truly regret for a decision if you were following your feelings at the time?” I said, thinking we were really getting into the crux of the matter now.
            “Hmm, not a bad point. But maybe it’s not such an important decision to be worrying about now. Not to say that I’m worrying, but I think about it from time to time.”
Denise took a sip of her coffee. She clearly needed to refuel before getting back into our discussion.
           
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I took a moment to look out the window and see what show the world was putting on for me today. A woman with an extra large stroller for her twins, a young couple holding hands by the stop sign, and a man in a proper suit and tie that was probably on his lunch break. I used to hate wearing that ‘uniform’ to work day in and day out. But that old job did give me a great new friend, in Denise.
            We weren’t too close at first, and got together for Friday night drinks with everyone else in the sales department. But then there was one day when I could tell something was not right with her. She looked confused as though she had no idea what to do with herself. It turned out her boyfriend of 5 years had broken up with her the night before. I took her out for a nice dinner and told her she could talk to me about it, and not hold everything inside. By the end of the night, she looked like a completely different person. I had a feeling she just needed someone new to confide in. What I didn’t expect was how I needed someone just as much as she did.

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“So what about you, Terry? What decisions do you regret?”
I knew this question would come, but I didn’t have an answer prepared. It took me a few moments to think it through.
            “I could tell you that I regret past relationships falling through, losing touch with old friends, or not taking advantage of some opportunities here or there.”
She waited for the punch line.
            “But honestly, my biggest regret is not with one single decision. Instead, it’s with some of the beliefs and convictions that I’ve had for most of my life.”
I paused. I wanted to formulate the words and thoughts in my head before committing them to their fate outside the comfort zone of my inner talk.
            “I’ve always believed in helping others, and putting them first above all else. I worked my ass off for 10 years, thinking that what I did for the company would come back to me. I thought that my marriage could not fail, if I put the effort in. If I continued to do whatever Stacy wanted, what ever she needed.”
            “Terr, you know it wasn’t your fault. Sometimes, these things just don’t work out.” Denise offered.
            “That’s just it, Den. That is the one belief I didn’t have, and I’m just beginning to discover that now.”
            “Better late than never, I always say.” She said trying to console me.
Almost right on cue, our breakfast or lunch, or I guess you could call it brunch, arrived. A part of me thought, ‘thank god,’ I don’t know if I should keep on rambling. But another part, a newer and deeper piece within me was excited, and wanted to keep going. I could actually feel myself becoming high on the conversation.
            “These past few months have been tough. But without them, I wouldn’t have realized that I need to put me first, and check in with myself more. Sometimes I feel like I put too much pressure on myself, even for things I can’t control.”
            “I still struggle with that too.” Denise admitted and then placed her hand on mine.
Who would have thought a grown man at the ‘experienced’ age of 45 would just be beginning to tap into his true self. I felt as though I have been sleeping for half my life, mindlessly following one underwater current, unaware of the endless other routes on either side.  Have I always been so blinded?

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            I was, what I thought, a happily married man for 16 years. Stacy and I met through friends one night at a dinner party. We talked the entire night, and just seemed to hit it off. I always told my friends, it was love at first laugh. We had the same type of humor and were chuckling about this and that all night long. To be honest, I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but it was the open connection I felt with her that allowed me to realize that this was what I was waiting for.
            We went through a brief dating period, but soon there after things started to get more serious. We discussed the progression of our relationship, and I was a little afraid it was moving too fast. But then she told me one thing I’ll never forget. Stacy said that she felt as though she had known me her whole life. That when we first met, she instantly knew we were meant to be. She felt it was as though she had re-discovered a piece of herself. I was amazed at how much her words rang true for me as well. I had the very same feelings, but they were not fully integrated within me, until she put it all together.
We moved into an apartment after nine months, and then I proposed to her that New Years Eve. At the time, I thought this was the way my life was supposed to work out. I had found my one true love, and we would live happily ever after. But I had yet to discover that sometimes life isn’t what you think it should be. Sometimes you change along with it. I refused to believe this for far too long, and the last 6 years of our marriage was torturous.
She knew it was over, and repeatedly expressed her frustrations. But I would not let go, and it hurt us both. The tension between us eventually broke me down, and I was left scared and then confused. I did not understand how something so perfect could slip away. I wanted to know why this had to happen to me, and felt that it just wasn’t the way things were meant to be.

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            I took another bite of my omelet as I returned to the present moment. It’s amazing how all of these thoughts and feelings can resurface in an instant. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of them forever, because I don’t want to think about it anymore. But deep down I know that it was something I needed to go through. I can still choose to think about the good times with Stacy, instead of the bad. Is it all a matter of interpretation?
            “You know what I think?” Den asked rhetorically as I hoped after all these years she hasn’t kept her ability to read minds a secret. I tilted my head, implying I was ready.
            “I think it’s the struggle and what we learn from it that makes us who we are. In all life there is hardship. But it is important to understand this and enjoy the great moments we have as well.”
            “Do you feel like we can create these positive moments? Is it a question of fate versus free-will?” I added to the stirring pot, hoping Den might have the answer.
            “I believe it’s just like anything else in life, and there is a balance between the two.”
I nodded, as I thought that made sense.
            “But sometimes when things get really rough, how can we accept the struggle? There have been moments in my life that I wish I could take back or get out of my mind. And I’ve felt like they don’t help me in anyway.” I said, looking into Denise’s eyes for an answer.
            “The moments when we’re so down and out, and hope seems to be lost. The feeling like you have to just…” I paused, almost for dramatic effect.
Denise looked on in anticipation.
            “Give up.” I said. I suddenly had some of the old thoughts and feelings before about Stacy return. I could feel the frustration and anger within me, searching for some sort of closure or outlet. I wanted to know the answer to the biggest question there is. Why?
            “I’ve been there Terry, and to be honest at those times, I’ve felt the very same way.”
Denise paused for a moment, clearly taking the time to think through how far she wants to delve into the conversation. Then she suddenly started to tear up, and was unable to hold back her emotions.
            “Denise, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
She took a napkin to wipe the tears away.
            “No, no. It’s okay. I’m glad we can talk about this. But how on earth did we get here?”
She gave out a nervous laugh, and I joined in to release some of the energy bottled up within me. I hoped she didn’t mind talking so openly, but I felt very comfortable around Den. I wanted to take us here, because it was somewhere we hadn’t been before.
            “I feel so foolish…telling you my regrets are not going away to travel abroad, or visit exotic places on vacations.”
She let out another smile, and the water works began to recede.
            “That’s the one I have in my pocket in case anyone asks.”
We both chuckled.
            “I have a couple of those as well. It can be handy having stock answers to boring questions such as “what types of things do you like to do in your free time?” or “what are some of your favorite movies?”
We both smiled. I could tell some of the tension in the air had been released.
            “But you know Den, the more I think about it. The more I realize you were right from the very beginning. It can be so frustrating going through the difficult times. But if we didn’t have them, how would we know when things are going well? How would we appreciate all that life has to offer? How else would we learn to love all the good?”
Denise smiled from ear to ear.
            “I think you’re right. But it is one thing to agree with something, and another to completely feel it on a deeper level.”
I nodded, taking in her interpretation.
            “Sometimes the hardest choice to make is the choice to be happy. The decision to move beyond the hurt and the pain, but also acknowledge it and appreciate what it has shown you.”
I was speechless for a moment. It sounded so strange, who wouldn’t want to be happy? But deep down, I knew she was right.
“Wow, you always have a way of putting it all together.” I complemented.
“Yeah well, we’re not such a bad team, you and I.”
Denise said with a grin.

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Denise and I thanked the waitress for our surprisingly insightful meal, and asked for the bill. After all that dialogue between us, we suddenly found ourselves in silence. But it was not awkward, and instead felt more natural than anything else. Sometimes all you need is a person to be there for you with their presence and nothing else. But then finally after our plates were cleared away and appetites satiated, Denise had one final question.
            “Are you alright, Terry? Is there something else on your mind?”
Of course there was. Often times we are faced with internal questions while talking with someone. I could wait for a different moment, or I could think about things more. This might not be the right thing, or the perfect time.  Should I share everything with her? Will she understand me? What do I want from this conversation? I wanted to let go, I wanted to be free, and I wanted to take a chance. I wanted to live.